Illuminated

you found me, disoriented and scared..

bound for eternal solitude..

be still, be gentle...

show me,

my lethal loneliness...

bring light to my dark heart...

envelope me...

i dont want to be released...

from you...

from your words,

that burn my mouth...

you dont see me...

we are entwined...

im darkness,that's meant to haunt you...

Freudian Test..

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (40%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own. Anal (23%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything. Phallic (60%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure. Latency (20%) you appear to be overly practical; don't undervalue abstract learning, abstract learning increases your ability to make good decisions (and predictions) in the real world so it would be 'impractical' to shun it. Genital (73%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder

so there, im narcissistic and histrionic... i sorta figured that out last summer and even pointed it out in my personal journal.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||| 30% Schizoid |||||||||| 34% Schizotypal |||||| 30% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 66% Borderline |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 66% Narcissistic |||||||||||||||| 66% Avoidant |||||| 26% Dependent |||| 14% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

What these disorders mean..

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders:
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Of Trance Crypt of Wreck Hordes...

Today, i met up w/ Atoy to request for our transcript of records, since Ateneo is pressuring me into passing it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Of course, it was also an excuse for me to get out of the house without having to beg for money [contrary to popular belief, im not financially stable as of the moment,my graduation money's gone,, blame it on splurging on shoes].

Trance

Hell, t'was nostalgic. I know, you might think im overreacting or that im just romanticizing things. But it felt really different to ride the UP Pantranco jeep as an official grad. That feeling of pride is just overwhelming, it was like you wanted to let everyone know that you made it. On time. with honors. without havin to sacrifice your social life.

Crypt

n. an underground vault or chamber, especially one beneath a church that is used as a burial place.

A perfect description of the UP's Office of the University Registrar, except that it's not literally underground but since t'was Hot, hot, hot, summer made its presence really known by making me and Atoy perspire like crazy. The OUR is like one of those warehouses you see in Filipino comedy/ action flicks where the protagonists are kidnapped and are saved by either Rene Requiestas or Vic Sotto, yeah i know you get the picture. Very crypt-like.

Wreck

im a wreck-magnet. havoc's my middle name. Re-rewind, let's go back to that MRT ride that Atoy and I took after we met at MEga. True to our form, the "What-are-the-chances" people that we are "accidentally" chose the only train that has a nonworking aircon. Good job. So we decided to go train-hopping, t'was a great idea until... i slipped while running for the next train. Yes, in front of everyone i shrieked and had to hug the wide post before finding again my strength and my balance to run for my life and my shame. Oh well, welcome to my life. Minamalas!

Hordes

[eternal laughter] i refuse to talk about it. (winks at Atoy)

Success 101

The standard of success for me is being able to feel that sense of fulfillment. It's the totality of achieving emotional, financial and spiritual stability. A lot of people would say that it's a matter of giving your best in everything you do, but for me, success is measured by whatever the results of your actions are, may it be intended or unintended. It’s not enough to have the drive and the will to weave your way to the top; it’s more of how you put your visions into reality.

I always keep this quote in mind everytime I’m tempted to accept that I am successful only because I feel that I have suffered enough and persevered enough,

" You cannot judge someone by mere effort, you can only judge him through whatever tangible thing he has produced."

When I talk about emotional stability, I picture not only myself improving every single day but it includes being able to touch other people's lives and hopefully making life a li'l better for them. Emotional stability is an essential standard because success can deliver loneliness, greed and even overwhelming emptiness. It makes you doubt, it makes you feel the uncertainty lurking and enveloping you. When is it time to laugh? To cry? To be serious? To be a mere observer? To participate? Emotional stability will ensure success, which gives emphasis on contentment without losing that drive to reach new horizons. .

It's too hypocritical to say that a person doesn't dream of financial stability and that it isn’t a part of someone's standards of success. I do accept the fact that the preference over emotional, financial and spiritual stability may vary but it's still included in the list. Being fairly compensated for the things that you do is an incentive and an inspiration to do more and to contribute more. Whether we would like to admit it or not, it is an acknowledgment of the company's appreciation of an employee's contributions and effort. Everything's two-way, you give and you receive, although the magnitude of the things you receive may differ from what you give, it's still ideal to have it two-way. Success is also measured by looking at a person's lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to have enough money to buy the things that he needs / wants? It's not about merely getting rich, but it's about knowing your worth in a more concrete kind of way.

Spiritual stability isn’t really something that relies mainly on one's religion. I don’t think it should be an issue of whether you are a catholic or not, it's more of an issue of having the capability to accept and tolerate what other people believe in. It’s being able to adjust to the diversity of faith that you encounter. It's having a more personal relationship with your God without imposing on other people. I don’t see anything wrong with same sex marriage anymore. I don’t see anything wrong with divorce anymore especially now that I’m aware of how many marriages are just not working. I’m not against premarital sex anymore because I know a lot of wonderful people who are doing it and are in no way living shitty lives. I don’t take it against people that they’re atheists anymore because just like me, they just chose to take the path that they think would be more appropriate for them. In fact, I admire them for surviving a life that isn’t dependent on miracles. That is spiritual stability, being comfortable with what others think without sacrificing what you yourself believe.

Success is measured by your life and how you live it while acknowledging the fact that your life's intertwined to that of everyone's life. It’s breaking free and moving in emotional nudity.

Je ne regrette rien.

More of our Bulacan Memories

pool na pool...




ang tummy ni abby, bow!





basa kung basa!

Poems for Children

i wrote poems of the same title ages ago, but these are poems for children.. whatta transformation. haha

Big Feet

I have big feet,
Wiggly and happy big feet.
My feet can get me to places,
They help me win races.
They often get dirty,
Sometimes even smelly.
My friends’ feet are too small,
Not strong enough to kick the ball.
When I look at mine closely,
I imagine some stories.
At night when there’s no light,
I imagine them to be something bright.
I think they deserve a gift,
New shoes will give them a lift.
Don’t worry my big feet,
I’ll make sure it’s a perfect fit.

The “Nursery” Rhyme

Hey, please don’t tease me.
Our friends think it’s cheesy.

Don’t wink at me nor pinch my nose.
I don’t like you because you have big toes.

Don’t pout your lips and never hold my hand,
Or else a strong kick or a punch is sure to land.

Never call me “My Girl” in front of everyone,
If you do that again this friendship is done.

I admit I have fun whenever you’re around,
Especially when you trip and fall to the ground.

I won’t let you read this ‘coz I know you’ll laugh.
When we grow older, it can get tough.

Where is HE anyway?

Hi, I'm Chelsey. I live in a place where almost everyone's doing something. There are jeepneys, buses and other vehicles everywhere. When I try to look around, I see buildings almost as high as the sky. I always wonder if I can talk to God when I'm on the 10th floor. God can't be living in a place way higher than the 10th floor right? Because if He does, He will not be able to see us and protect us.

Hello, my name's Angelo. I live in a place where almost everyone's doing something. There are chickens, carabaos and pigs everywhere. When I try to look around, I see mountains almost as high as the sky. I always wonder if I can talk to God when I reach the peak of the tallest mountain. God can't be living in a place higher than a mountain right? Because if He does, He will not be able too see us and protect us.

(Chelsey) Earlier this evening, I was watching my favorite TV program while finishing my homework. It got interrupted by a news flash. I heard something about a storm. Mom looked worried. I wanted to tell her not to worry because the storm will not really bother us. We don’t have to leave our house. We can hide in my room until it leaves.

(Angelo) Earlier this evening, I was listening to my favorite radio program while washing the dishes. It got interrupted by a News flash. I heard something about a storm. Nanay looked worried. I wanted to tell her not to worry because the storm will not really bother us. We don’t have to leave our Nipa Hut. We can hide in the kitchen until it leaves.

(Both kids) The night then passes in silence. The morning comes, but the sun remains hidden, playing hide and seek with the rest of the world.

(CHelsey) When I open my eyes, I hear the rain pour hard. I look out of the window and the wind scares me. It’s like it can carry me to a place different from my own. A place where I will never see my mom and dad anymore. A place where everything will look unfamiliar. I close my window and look for my mom.

(Angelo) When I open my eyes, I hear the rain pour hard. I look out of the window and the wind scares me. It’s like it can carry me to a place different from my own. A place where I will never see my Nana yang Tatay anymore. A place where everything will look unfamiliar. I close the window and look for Nanay.

(Chelsey) Mom says we can’t go to the grocery today. The streets are flooded. I ask her if we can go to the mall at least. She says it’s dangerous. I wonder where God is. Maybe that’s why the people in the building aren’t flooded, God is closer to them.

(ANgelo)Nanay says we should leave the house. The flood’s getting higher. I ask her if I can go to my friend’s house first. She says it’s dangerous. I wonder where God is. Maybe that’s why there are no floods in mountains, God is closer to them.

My Dad is still not home. Mom says he’s helping the victims of the storm. I don’t understand. We’re victims too right? There’s no electricity, it’s so dark. I’m afraid that someone might come to hurt us. We need dad.

We left home. Nanay and Tatay think it’s best for us to stay in the hospital. It’s transformed into an evacuation center. I don’t understand. Why have we become victims? There’s no food, I’m so hungry. I’m afraid.

Mom says we’re going to the hospital. I ask her if I can bring my toys. She says no. I just want to play with the kids there. They feel sad. I’m sad too. I understand them.

Nanay says a lot of people are helping us. I ask her about what will happen to us. She says she doesn’t know yet. I feel sad. A lot of other people are sad too. Now, I understand them.

“Hi, I’m Chelsey.”
“Hello, I’m Angelo.”
“I think God’s near the buildings”
“I think God’s near the mountains.”
“I guess He’s everywhere huh?
“Yeah, maybe He is everywhere.”
“So, do you want to play?”
“Yes, but I don’t have toys.”
“How about hide and seek?”
“Ok, let’s ask the other kids.”
“So we’re friends now?”
“Yes we’re friends now.”

We’re Chelsey and Angelo. We’re friends now. By the way, we think God is everywhere.

Graduation Snapshots..

What a journey it has REALLY been...


my sister celebrating w/ me.. me and my thesis partner, "siKat awardees" haha


from the tinkerbell-inspired dress to my toga..



on my way to the UP Film Center..












abby, atoy ang moi..

GET A LIFE

Jose Dalisay Jr., PhD
Address to the Graduating Class
UP Baguio, 23 April 2005

Former UP President (Francisco) Nemenzo - whom I was privileged to serve - was frankly not too fond of the phrase “iskolar ng bayan” to describe the UP student. We are all, of course, scholars of the people in this university, in the technical sense that our studies are subsidized by the sweat of the poor, whose hopes we bear upon our shoulders.

But the President's point was that scholarship remains a distinction to be earned not merely by scoring well in an entrance examination, but by adopting a lifelong attitude of critical inquiry and rational judgment.

This, sadly, is something that many of us lose upon our entry into the University and our immersion in its life - not only its intellectual and academic life, but also its social and professional life. The curiosity ends, the magic fades, the writing dries up, and we retreat to a cocoon - to a dimly lit room marked "Me & Myself" - there to spend the rest of our career sulking over the next fellow's promotion and so-and-so's research grant.

"Get a life" has been one of my lifelong mantras. I have always believed that while a formal education is a wonderful thing, what I call an active life - with all its serendipitous detours and little accidents - is even better. It is a cliché by now to say that there are many things we can never learn in school - but for those of us who are in school, it is even more important to remember this.

Some of the best things happen when we step outside of our own lives and begin to be engaged in those of others. Often, the answers to our own problems lie in others, and in their larger predicaments. While involvement in a great cause can also create its own kind of blindness to everything else, I believe that, at least once in our lives, we should embrace a passion larger than ourselves; even the disillusionment that often follows can be very instructive, and will bring us one step closer to wisdom.

One of the best ideas I ever heard came from a friend whom I used to play billiards with until the wee hours of the morning: "Everyone," he said while cleaning up the balls on the table, "should be entitled to make at least one big mistake."

I would not have been the writer I became if I had chosen the safe path and stayed where I was supposed to be. It took me two years to finish my MFA, and only three to finish my PhD. But before that, it took me 14 years to get my AB.

At 12 - like your chancellor - I entered the Philippine Science High School. As my parents never tired of telling anyone who cared to listen (and even those who didn't), I was the entrance-exam topnotcher of my batch, No. 1 of about 6,000 examinees. However, what my parents didn't say was that after my first year in Science High, I was going to be kicked out - with a 1.0 in English and a 5.0 in Math.

What happened? Well, you might say that I got a life. From the grade-school nerd who read two books a day in our all-boys Catholic school, I suddenly discovered girls, parties, and fun. What did I do? I used my 1.0 in English to save my 5.0 in Math, by writing a letter of appeal that began with "At the outset, let me say that I bear malice toward none." I guess it worked, because they put me on probation for a year, and I survived PSHS by the skin of my teeth.

At 16, I entered UP as an industrial engineering major - and promptly got a 5.0 in Math 17, for too many absences - the bane of the arrogant Science High graduate, even the perennial flunker like me who thought he already knew more Math than he needed to know.

At 17, still a freshman, I quit college - over the tears of my mother, whose fondest hope was for me to graduate from UP just like she did. I wanted to join the revolution, like many of my comrades; at the same time I was impatient to get a job.

At 18, I was working as a newspaper reporter covering hospital fires, US embassy rallies, suicide cases, factory strikes, and typhoon relief operations.

I spent most of my 19th year in martial-law prison.

At 20, I was a husband and father.

At 26, I took my first foreign trip.

At 27, I learned how to drive - and went back to school.

At 30, I got my AB, and decided that what I wanted to do was to write and teach for the rest of my life, so here I am.

I have been shot at, imprisoned, and worst of all, rejected by more crushes than I care to remember. Aside from my abortive career in journalism, I once worked as a cook-waiter-cashier-busboy-janitor, cutting 40 pounds of pork and chicken every day before turning them into someone's dinner.

Much earlier, I worked as a municipal employee, checking the attendance of Metro Aides at seven in the morning, and then I studied printmaking and sold my etchings cheaply by the dozen in Ermita. Incidentally, it was at that printmaking shop that I met my wife June, who's here with me today, and for whose patience with my colorful moods I am forever grateful.

Some of these events have found their way to my writing; most of them have not and never will. I believe that creative writing should generate its own excitement, beyond whatever may have happened to the author in his or her own life. But neither can I deny that my outlook has been influenced by what I have seen out there, as bright, as indelible, and as disturbing as fresh blood.
If we are to abide by the Phi Kappa Phi motto to "let the love of learning rule humanity," we should first ourselves be ruled by the love of learning - learning from books, and learning beyond them.

On the other side of the equation, let me observe that there is, today, a nascent but disturbing strain of anti-intellectualism in Philippine politics and society. The vulgar expression of this sentiment has taken the form of the suggestion that we can dispense with brains and education when it comes to our national leadership, because they have done us no good, anyway.

It is easy to see how this perception came about, and how its attractiveness derives from its being at least partially true. Many of our people feel betrayed by their best and brightest - the edukado, as we are called in our barangays - because we are too easily bought out by the powers that be. Marcos and Estrada had probably the best Cabinets in our political history, well-stocked with prestigious PhDs from places like Oxford and Stanford; but in the end, even they could do nothing against their President and his excesses.

For us UP graduates, the seductions of power will always be there. Power and wealth are also very interesting games to play, and few play them better than UP grads - the power side more than the wealth, as I suspect that Ateneans and La Sallites are better at making money than we are.

But even these can put you out of touch. I have friends in Malacañang and Makati who seem to have lost all sense of life, thought, and feeling on the street, beyond what their own commissioned surveys tell them. Worse, they seem to have lost touch with their old, honest, self-critical selves. They forgot all about Sophocles and poetry and mystery and music you can't buy at the record store.

To be a UP student, faculty member, and alumnus is to be burdened but also ennobled by a unique mission - not just the mission of serving the people, which is in itself not unique, and which is also reflected, for example, in the Atenean concept of being a "man for others." Rather, to my mind, our mission is to lead and to be led by reason - by independent, scientific, and secular reason, rather than by politicians, priests, shamans, bankers, or generals.

You are UP because you can think and speak for yourselves, by your own wits and on your own two feet, and you can do so no matter what the rest of the people in the room may be thinking. You are UP because no one can tell you to shut up, if you have something sensible and vital to say. You are UP because you dread not the poverty of material comforts but the poverty of the mind. And you are UP because you care about something as abstract and sometimes as treacherous as the idea of "nation", even if it kills you.

Sometimes, long after UP, we forget these things and become just like everybody else; I certainly have. Even so, I suspect that that forgetfulness is laced with guilt - the guilt of knowing that you were, and could yet become, somebody better. And you cannot even argue that you did not know, because today, I just told you so.

The Cold Booth [A Reaction]

a reaction to Slyde's blog entry, The Cold Booth...

that urge to look and sound happy for people who get strength and inspiration from you; that tiny feeling of warmth that's overpowered by the cold booth; the life that you lose for giving in to one yosi break; life's an accumulation of the littlest of things and what's insignificant right now will push you to the edge one day. you're a vagabond, you know how tough it is. Dont let depression unleash that crawling monster within you, have faith... it will pass.