HAPPINESS; Retail and Wholesale

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were having one of our regular online conversations when he let me into his theory on happiness. I was ranting about not being able to sustain a stable relationship and the inconsistent surges of happiness in my life when he asked me, “What if in life, you are not really meant to find that one source of happiness? What if these broken episodes of happiness are what it’s all about? What if happiness is in retail?”

It made sense. In effect, my episodes of happiness have been consistently inconsistent. Yes, the episodes do end, but instead of thinking of these memories as being replaced by newer ones, let’s just say that our happiness is cumulative. It’s rational and a little sad for a romantic. All my life, I’ve had a lot of moments of happiness, from different sources, from different persons whom, at one point, I loved or at least cared about. Following my friend’s theory, my ONE GREAT LOVE does not exist, there are a number of fleeting loves that are like pieces of the grand puzzle that is happiness. The theory is so practical; it fits a lifestyle that is always on the go, a lifestyle that thrives on changes and mobility.

But the real question remains: In a world that is so fast-paced, should we be content with retailed happiness?

Our missing pieces are within us, we feel empty when we allow ourselves to feel empty. If we acknowledge that we have everything we need inside and that we are fabulous on our own, someone equally fabulous will come along and we’ll know that the time for retailed happiness has ended. There’s nothing wrong with retailed happiness, I think this is what makes us grow. If you already feel complete, content and ready to face the world alone, if you’re not looking for the missing pieces of your own happiness jigsaw puzzle anymore, you’ll find another already completed puzzle beside you, not to complete you but to complement you.

Happiness in retail is just a prelude to wholesale happiness… and wholesale happiness begins when we are not looking for happiness for ourselves from other people anymore

On Fountains and Everything that’s Needed to be Said

So, here’s what I’m presently looking at, there are two sets of fountains in front of me, the first set is newer and nearer, but it’s not working, it’s like a pond that’s so calm and steady with a hope or a threat that it WILL work or be active one day. The other set’s working really fine, unruly at times, but moving, and really enticing. Of course, what’s conventional is the set that’s working. Why? Because you know that it works or at least that it has been working longer. I’ve seen fountains before and they SHOULD be working, moving and attractive. They should be able to catch your attention, make you smile and endearingly distract you when there’s nothing to look at anymore. The problem is that it’s far. I’ve been near that fountain before, I have played with the water that gracefully flows and flirtatiously spurts like a ballet dance step. I have been attracted to it before, and it never stopped working, only that it got farther… or I walked away from it or someone else acquired it through extraordinary prescription. But once in a while, in those rare moments that I am alone and lonely, I look at it and ask myself, “Should I walk back and play with it again?” But it’s not a decision that I can make really, because someone else is playing with it now, looking at it like it’s the only fountain for her and they look good together. Even I am convinced that maybe, they are meant to be together and I just paved the way for them to see that. I looked and admired it first, but I was too chicken to call it mine.

Now, the other set, it started out fine, it WAS working… but there is no consistency. It’s nearer, it has witnessed a number of good times too but not as numerous as the memories that I had with the former set. I interact with it almost everyday, with a few moments of emotional connection that makes me think, “This set’s not bad… not bad at all.” The problem is, I don’t know if this set is willing to move with me, for me or if it’s just one of those fleeting connections that work because we’re just both there, because I happen to be walking away from the other fountain and IT was the next fountain that caught my attention. I look at the now under repair fountain and hope that one day, it will work again. It’s soothing, knowing that it’s there, available and not in a hurry. Heck, I don’t even know if this fountain is for me. I look at it and see that it attracts and is attracted to the other passers-by that are constantly wondering what it is doing here, not moving, not flowing. I like this set of fountain, but I don’t know if I like it enough to ignore the working fountain that’s right behind it.

Here’s the thing, I absolutely think that making a decision will be a lot easier if only the second set of fountain can stop being so unpredictable and aloof. If only the first set of fountain can stop moving for a second to give me a chance to clear my mind and look at the other things that the second set of fountain is capable of showing me.

It will be a lot easier if I’m not calling them fountains. It will be a lot easier if everything that’s needed to be said will be said without having to resort to silly metaphors like fountains. i.e. First fountain, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Second fountain, “I LIKE YOU… for now.” Eunice, “STOP TALKING TO FOUNTAINS.”

Yeah, I’m crazy. But in a world where things are so predictably unpredictable, how can you not give in to moments of insanity?

On Life and Electric Tricycles

I found a new addiction… riding electric tricycles from Market Market to Bonifacio Highstreet. It’s a great experience, more like riding a modern calesa. I have one little idiosyncracy though, I ride at the back. While everyone’s trying to ride it the traditional way, I always seem to find myself riding alone at the back of the trike. I was, for a few days, wondering why I like doing it… then, in one of those eureka moments, one of those “aha-now-i-know-why” moments while I was once again smoking my first stick of the day on my way to my newfound home in Highstreet, it hit me why. Riding the electric trike like I want it is similar to how I live my life. I walk away but I linger. I want to be able to walk away without completely turning my back on that thing I am walking away from. I walk away but I try to bring with me the memories, I want to be able to look at these things from afar, remembering what I did, why I did it and who I did it with. The IT being anything that I’ve tried out at least once in my life, that “it” being something that at one point made me so happy and at one point, made me almost tap out from the unbelievably torturous pain.

I don’t like fleeting things, contrary to popular belief. I can easily move on, I can easily walk away, but these things are disappointingly not fleeting, they’re stubbornly permanent. These are things that I know have forever changed the way I looked at things., the way I feel things, the way I handle things. To walk away is the easy part, especially if life or fate have their own way of compelling me to finally leave, the hardest part is to not linger, to not try to hold on to the things that are still there but should be walked away from. The hardest part is to deal with the memories. I’m masochistic that way, I keep everything, not only in my heart but in my brain, in my room, in the now dusty corner of my shelves. Everything’s just a few steps away from me, may it be a journal that witnessed how I cried millions of tears for something that seems too mundane now or the already withered petals stuck in between pages that symbolized a chapter that needs to be forgotten but will never be.

So, that was my realization for today. I don’t turn around and walk away, I walk backwards. It could be because I’m holding on to my optimism, or because I just can’t let go or I don’t want to let go. It’s fun and emotionally tiring at the same time. But I like it that way, in the same way that I predict to be hooked in my electric trike addiction for a long time, until the bar perhaps. Until I need to walk away and find a new addiction. I refuse to make life pass me by, I will look at it straight in the eyes and say, I’m moving on bitch, the past looks smaller and smaller each second, and I love it.

ATM

ANTI-TORPE MOVEMENT

Naisip ko lang, since ang dami naman nagsasabi na guys like to play games and since a lot of the girls I know are tired of the same old, “Could he be too shy to ask me out?” conversations, panahon na para magkaron tayo ng mga pambawing hirit sa mga parinig ng mga pa-fall na guys. At least din a natin masasabi na pa-victim tayo. I mean, kung makikipaglaro tayo, might as well make it a good game diba? What better way to make it a challenging one but to push it to the limit, un tipong pag ito di pa nya sinagot ng maayos, malamang di talaga nya ako gusto… Ito lang naman ang mga suggestions ko. (Feeling ko applicable din ito sa mga guys e, kasi girls naman are not less guilty sa mga ganitong hirit.)

1. Nagte-text ng quote in the guise of a message na sinend sa lahat with the hope na magreply ang object of affection.
Solution: Reply by saying, “Kung ang perang ginastos mo sa pagu-unlitxt ay pinantawag mo na lang sakin, di mo na sana kailangan maghintay ng reply ko. HEHE” (importante yung HEHE)
2. The guy goes, “I want to go out… I just can’t seem to find the right girl. Why?”
Solution: I don't knoe, I ’m always right… And well, I’m a girl. (insert laughter)
3. The guy goes, “I want to go to ____, but no one wants to go with me.
Solution: I’m NO ONE. (insert flirting fiasco smile)
4. The guy goes, “I want to watch ____.”
Solution: Ok. Let’s watch it. (insert the “Why? We’re friends, right?” Look)
5. The guy goes, “I’m going out on a date with this girl... but I’m not sure if I should go.”
Solution: You shouldn’t. (use your poker face) If he asks, “Why?”, do the “looking at him from under your eyelashes” thing, smile and say, “You know why.”
6. He goes, “I usually like (insert description that totally doesn’t fit you)
Solution: Then maybe you should stop liking the general rule and start going for the exception. (res ipsa loquitur)
7. He goes, “My ex… (insert really sweet story)
Solution: (faraway look) Past, present… I wonder which matters more.
8. He goes, “Dude. (insert whatever)
Solution: I see that we have decided on our terms of endearment. (paluin sya ng mahina sabay takbo sa washroom)
9. He goes, “So I went out on a date yesterday. It was great.”
Solution: Then why are you here? (silence) I mean, you should be with her, alam mo na. Follow through.
10. He goes, “I don’t know if I’m ready to go out again…”
Solution: (do the what-the-fuck hand movement) Demmit. This isn’t a date? (innocent smile)

This is at the risk of being dubbed as feelingero at feelingera at well, desperate. Pero at least the absurdity of thinking about the other person can stop di ba? I mean, isn’t it more absurd to talk about something that isn’t really "happening" with your friends and spending a lot of time analyzing. At least pag ginawa mo ‘to, simple lang yan.. Either ge-game time na kayo o mare-realize mo na, “He’s just not that into you.” Suggestion ko lang naman kasi uhmm, paulit-ulit lang ang mga sitwasyon e. Down with paranoia and stupidity na ito mga girlfriends! HEHE. (see? The hehe makes a big difference!) Steady lang. Para sa mga nagba-bar, WAG NYO GAWIN. Mahirap na. haha.

Magdagdag na lang kayo ng suggestions nyo. Antok na ako.

When People Act Like They Are Stupid

(Para sa lahat ng mga tao na may issues ngayon, para sa inyo ito… sabay-sabay na! haha)

We almost always don’t say what we really mean and they, most often than not, never get it… we all end up disappointed with a little less faith in finally finding the one. The thing is, a lot of times, we don’t know what we want, even if what we want is staring at us with a neon sign that states the most obvious, “I am the one.” We go out with people thinking that maybe, just maybe, things’ll turn out great, or at least sufficient to let us get by, but it never is. Why? Because we’re adorably stupid that way. #DearYou, We have always been taught to look for some prototype: the artist, the gorgeous, the dreamer, the "one". We have made ourselves believe that anything outside of that imagined box of expectations and standards is just not it. It cannot be IT. Yet, if we only acknowlege that the box does not need exist, or that we don’t even have to go outside of that box to take a peek at what this teeny-tiny window of possibilities can offer, then we can calmly watch everything unfold... right before our very eyes. How many times have we uttered these words about our friends? “If only they’d realize that they’re perfect for each other, then they will finally be able to stop blogging all those words of melancholy that just affects us, then they will stop talking about each other behind each other’s backs with the look that says, ‘Why can’t he/she see me the way I say him/her?”

We see it happen daily, the girl talks about the guy, with reservations, because well, they’re just friends… the guy is in love with someone else, or he just isn’t being clear about what he feels for her. We have spent hours, days, months and a lot of fucking years discussing and trying to figure out, WHERE HAVE WE GONE WRONG? I know where… you waited. And of course, the guy, he doesn’t talk about the girl with his friends, he’s worse, he spends a lot of time with the girl... flirts with her a bit, once in a while, he would be really sweet and then he takes it away by not showing up in one of those “casual dates” that they “casually” set. It all turns sour and uhmm, the guy just doesn’t know why. I KNOW WHY… You waited too. Then the guy and the girl goes on with the same old dance, they hang out, they continue to be friends, and at the back of their minds they know. They CAN’T NOT KNOW.

Men and women act stupid ALL THE TIME. That is just how life goes. If only, instead of waiting, they smiled and said,” I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.“, then things won’t be so fucked up anymore. We all know them, heck, we are them. It’s funny, really. Painfully funny. So, we laugh - the kind of laugh that tries to say it all… And smoke - like it’s the last time you can breathe and and allow yourself to free fall.

Last Night, I Started to Dream Again...

“Throw away the chains, let love fly away… Until love comes again, I’ll be ok.”
- I’ll Be Ok, Amanda Marshall

Last night, I started to dream again.
 In my dream, there were no promises,
but an infinitely many possibilities.

 I can clearly remember you, how you secretly looked at me with a hidden message that says, “I am glad I finally found you. “

 Last night, I started to dream again - and when I woke up, through your dreams I told you, “Thank you. I’m glad I found you, too.”

 -"The Dream Sequence"
@legallyblunt
 1 June 2009

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