Out of My League

I’m in a crisis. I think I’m falling for someone who’s totally out of my league. Lately, I’ve been finding myself looking for ways to spend more time with this guy. This isn’t your ordinary falling for the guy story. This is the Give-it-to-Eunice-to-find-ways-to-screw-things-up story. Why is he out of my league? Let’s just say his interests don’t in any way involve me. I can’t believe I’m actually putting this into writing, this will definitely screw things up if he finds out. What am I thinking? I can’t let another friendship get ruined because of my stupid preferences for men. I cannot make this happen. I cannot acknowledge this stupid admiration. 

Let’s see, this isn’t the first time that I’ve been infatuated with men who will never be interested in me, I just don’t admit them openly. For example, this writer guy I’ve been admiring made me go to Powerbooks daily just to indulge in the idea that we might bump into each other. We had a promising beginning, I mean we conversed really well. But hey, he’s almost perfect. He’s gorgeous, intelligent, funny and popular. I am uh, popular at times, smart at times but gorgeous? Err, at times. (Nge.)

I don’t know if this is a good idea. Must find someone else to crush on, or I will end up losing a very dear buddy. STOP, STOP. STOP.

Surprise! I MOVED ON..

Sometimes, it’s your friends -- or in my case the people around me—who can’t move on. Well, we can’t really blame them. Taking into consideration every little ranting they had to endure while I was “allegedly in love” with Basketball Guy, (Yeah, he’s not “he-who-must-not-be-remembered” anymore) it must be really hard for them to believe that I have seamlessly moved on. How can I possibly forget him that easily after writing such a heartfelt (by heartfelt I mean, over the top, cheesier than the cheesiest letter, almost stalker-like) letter? Oh well, my fault. So, in the spirit of pure fun, lemme enumerate the things that can validate the claim of the “once-in-love” that they have really left the past behind.

1. You can say his name once again without turning the situation into a SOAP OPERA MOMENT. A soap opera moment involves the looking away while staring at emptiness and showing a grim smile action.
2. You can look at all your pictures together –unless you have burned, torn or if it’s digital, deleted everything – without feeling the urge to guess what, BURN, TEAR or DELETE it. Or without imagining him with yellow teeth, nose hair or uhmm, body odor.
3. You begin to do the things you tried doing to further endear you to him but this time, because you really want to do them. e.g. being sporty, staying at home, going to prayer meetings, dressing down or losing weight. 
4. You can sing the songs that remind you of his past existence and influence in your life. These are the songs you vowed not to sing again, the songs you have convinced yourself to be irrelevant to your present life. It may be romantic or plain related to any memory you have with him. e.g. Parokya ni Edgar’s Yes,Yes Show because you sang it together at MTV’s Mic Mo ‘to or Sugarfree’s Mariposa because you thought that he purposely sang the “ayoko na mag-isa” part for you to hear.
5. You start talking to his friends again after suffering the humiliation of being dumped. You swore that you won’t have anything to do with them because you were so sure that he said bad things about you while hanging out at some rest house beside the pool. You admit that you might be overreacting. But you will still exert extra effort to prove these [imaginary] bad things he said wrong.
6. You stop relating his name to your past pseudo romantic [mis]adventures to prove that it must be one reason why it never worked out. e.g. Arthur Gabriel -> Angelo Gutierrez.. both A.G. Then it continues to Arthur – Angelo – Anthony. I won’t date anyone whose name starts with “A” again.. or uhmm, Angelo – Christian (wont date anyone whose name is in a way religious) P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.
7. You stop deleting his name in your phonebook or in your address book to no avail because you know that you know his number or his email address by heart.
8. You stop checking out his profile while comparing yourself to the woman who’s with him in his uploaded pictures and while secretly hoping that like you, he’s also single and looking. Or, you stop posting all these messages in the Bulletin Board secretly wishing that he’ll read it and realize that he’s a prick for letting you go.
9. You start dating men without thinking of how your ex’ll react to seeing you with that other guy. You don’t date new guys just so you’ll have an accessory to your highly- anticipated plot of revenge against him for breaking your heart.
10. Lastly, your recent journal entries do not in any way include his name. There are no “I’m-so-over-him” articles like this and there are no “I-can’t-believe-I-was-in-love” rantings.

Oh shit.

Misery

White walls, air from a desk fan, music from the radio,
A personal computer’s beep, the telephone’s dial tone,
The aroma of a cup of coffee, a cd rack, picture frames
Everything’s perfect and I’m not part of everything.

Verticality

The skies are clear, clouds aren’t crying. I was one minute relaxing when I found myself falling. I can’t help but  imagine how I can finally be one with the corals strong enough to provide shelter to my seemingly helpless existence. I’m slowly appreciating the façade that I made to stubbornly linger. From the violent currents, soft waves and cold breeze, I’m gliding and riding. Birds are chirping and distracting. I’m hearing schools of fish weep while patiently waiting. I’m like an angel falling.

This is a dance, I’m floating and just enjoying the rhythm.